Sunday, October 5, 2008

this is all we are.

this world is crazy.

a fine frenzy of emotions, experiences

thoughts, physicalities..the list goes on,

all happening at once.

there are no breaks on the car of life,

only the gas pedal and the drive option.

the other night was heartbreaking. i don't think i've felt so many feelings at once.

to think the one thing thats been constant in your life, that you've trusted your

heart, life and soul with, would ever do such a thing, is well, mind boggling for lack of

better words. my body went limp, my life flashed before my eyes, all of the memories

shared between us, with tears flowing, it felt like part of me had died.

i was stuck in my room, with no where to go, no one to talk to. it was a definite case of

bad timing. i felt hopeless. i didn't even know what to do, what to think. it was like i could see

myself and everything that was going around me, but i couldn't actually feel myself moving.

i yelled at him the next morning. i yelled at him for the sake of my heart. to show him that he had hurt me bad. part of me just wanted to keep yelling and once i was done to never see him again, but then another part of me longed for his arms to hold me. to tell me everything was going to be okay. that it was all a bad dream.

i thought long and hard. i still don't know if i made the right decision. but i feel that after being together for so long, and going through so much, that i would be quitting if i didn't let him try to make it up to me and fix things. i can see he's trying already. he's trying really hard, and that makes me proud of him. but at the same time, theres still a part of me thats starting to rebuild that wall i had up before, which he had broken through last year. i still don't trust him, and it makes me uneasy being here at school, and him back home. god forbid i ever see her. i don't want to know what i will do. its between slapping her and bitching her out, or being the civil, more respectable person and walking right past her, without giving her the time of day. karma is a bitch though. hopefully she knows that.

and everything happens for a reason, like i've said countless times before. and there's been signs popping up all over at the most random times since i've spoken to him and let him know where i stand; they've all been positive ones so far. like finding his ring, a fortune cookie message, the meaning behind my res room number etc. i'm trying to make sense of it all still.

i guess we'll have to take it one day at a time.

i've promised myself to try and have as much hope and faith as possible.


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