Tuesday, October 28, 2008

So i have finished my 10 page essay and i wrote my last mid-term today.
It feels gooood :) All i have left to do is a term paper, another major research
essay-both due next week. And then an assignment due end of november and a final
assignment due beginning of december.

im going to try and finish my term paper before this weekend.
its halloween and i want to relax as much as possible. maybe even catch up on more sleep.
knowing my luck though that won't happen lol.

well. a certain someone messaged me today on fcbk. she had the balls to ask where mike was because she hadn't heard from him in a while. i had a split second to decide my reaction-whether to be that bitch as payback or to be civil and the bigger person. It was a really hard decision. I ended up being civil, answering her question and making small talk. every part of me wanted to start yellling at her, i'm not gonna lie it was really hard not to call her a bitch and just block her. but that would be a cowardly way of handling the situation. which is why i didn't do that.

my trust with mike is slowly increasing. like i've said before there are still moments of doubt.
i'm slowly letting go though. lifes too short to be spent miserable and paranoid.
it's also too short to spend stressed to the max, which is why i think i'm going to have a little
break today from school work.



Thursday, October 23, 2008


"i've found the person i want to spend the rest of my life with,
we are going to take care of each other."

The past few weeks have been kinda crazy. Midterms, essays, major projects..more essays. I felt like i had been falling behind but slowly i've managed to get back on top of things, well sort of. There are still some things that i haven't finished or don't feel like finishing because of my stubborn-ness or i've simply lost interest in them.

but i've got a general idea on the things i want to do with the major projects that are coming up. I've got one last midterm left next tuesday. i have a 10 page essay due on sunday though, which i've been struggling with. And i probably will struggle with all weekend. But all i can do is try, and hope to god i pass my classes. I've promised second semester will be different though. I've chosen my courses and i have an idea of what my week will look like. I've promised i will do things differently. I will actually strive for higher grades instead of just passing ones.

i might be getting a job soon, hopefully bluenotes will hire me at the mall nearby. i'm also hoping i'm not stuck at residence all of christmas holidays; which, when thinking about it, is severely depressing. we'll see what happens. All i can do is hope for the best.

things with michael have been great. i've said it before but i'm reallly glad we're still together. despite everything, that boy still holds my heart. i don't think i've ever loved like this before. never felt so strongly about a person before. part of me still secretly daydreams about the future and what it would look like if he and i were still together..maybe even lived together- actually merged our lives together. it's all very pathetic but i do have these random day dreams, and i secretly love them with all my heart. i try not to talk about them to him directly since i don't want to scare him off. these thoughts are most definetly the girly part of me coming out.
i can't wait to see him tomorrow night. <3

well i would sit and type more, but i have a 9am class tmorrow-er later this morning so i should get to bed. i was up till 430 the night before doing homework. i hope this weekend is productive in homework but also relaxing for the sake of my sanity.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008

nineteen again.

i'm at the GH building.
i've been here since about one oclock, doing my homework.
i really like being here, theres alot of windows and today's been
a gorgeous day so its really sunny. I got some work done, but i'm
at the point where my attention span is deteriorating and i'm getting
fidgety. I kinda wish i didn't have to wait till 8pm for my mom to come
pick me up. I'm looking forward to this weekend, i get to see my family
and my cousins. I'll hopefully get to see my boy on monday.
I have alot to look forward to actually.

I heard a quote yesterday: "Freedom is truth and truth is strength."
I really believe that. I was honest with my english teacher in handing in
my module late. i didn't try to make up any excuses or anything.
the result, my consequences weren't as harsh. she simply said,
'better late then never' i hope she takes my work into consideration.

i'm still an insomniac. i got five hours sleep last night, morning came far
too soon. it's getting to that point where winters creeping up, and mornings,
the sun comes up later, so when i wake up to get ready, its still dark out.
everything seems grey, not as bright as it could be. i'm starting to think
that might have played a great part in my moods the past couple of weeks,
because despite waking up tired and exhausted, i was alert and somewhat happy
to be up and to get to class. Things didn't seem as frustrating.

well its supposed to be beautiful all weekend. im hoping to get some great shots
with my cousin, take advantage of the good weather and lighting.
i also plan on getting as much work done as possible, and staying on top of
assignments this upcoming week. no more procrastination. i'm going to try
and have a great week, to make up for the past few that didn't turn out
the way i had hoped. revamp my life.

happy thanksgiving.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

electric president.

i am officially an insomniac.
i need to start a sleeping schedule, or else im going to
have permenant bags underneath my eyes that will
eventually give away my secret of insomnia to the world.

"And wait for my headache to numb
And the wind sounds as if the world's sighing
And the moon's just a torn fingernail
As the TV flickers and hums by the wall
And I wait for my eyesight to fade"

...story of my life.

ps. i really miss my boy.
despite everything thats happened,
i'm really happy we're still together.
i'm not sure what i would do with myself
if he wasn't in my life.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

mash up.

"Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious.

The world carries on without you
But nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days
Through walls and harvest moons
I will fight for you

Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it togetherI'm falling apart

And I think of you whenever life gets me down
I think of you whenever you're not around
And you rest your bones
Somewhere far from my house
Yeah, but you still pull me home

Stay for tonight
The sound of your heart
Racing faster is what will save me"

Monday, October 6, 2008


"Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?Is there a chance you may
change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?"

i feel like shittt. i'm still sick, and all i feel like doing right now besides complaining about it,
is crawling into bed, safe under my bed covers. Right now, that feels like the best place to be.
Go back into my dreamland where everyone is happy and perfect. I'm not sure why depsite
being against the theory of idealism, i continue to think in that mindset.
people have told me different opinions..i'm not sure whats right and whats wrong. I really
wish someone could tell me what to do in a situation like this. I just want so badly for things to
go back to the way they were..like in the summertime, when we couldn't get enough of each other. and people told us we were meant to be, and we'd get married eventually because we're
so perfect for each other.

oh. theres that theory again. just cant seem to get away from it.

i'm trying my hardest to believe everything. but the voice in my head catches my attention every now and then, and makes me question if what he's telling me is just what i want to hear,
cause he knows that will make me feel better.

my heart still hurts, its more of an ache though, a longing for past times.
well. its time for me to go, like always. go go go, no slowing down or stopping.


Sunday, October 5, 2008

this is all we are.

this world is crazy.

a fine frenzy of emotions, experiences

thoughts, physicalities..the list goes on,

all happening at once.

there are no breaks on the car of life,

only the gas pedal and the drive option.

the other night was heartbreaking. i don't think i've felt so many feelings at once.

to think the one thing thats been constant in your life, that you've trusted your

heart, life and soul with, would ever do such a thing, is well, mind boggling for lack of

better words. my body went limp, my life flashed before my eyes, all of the memories

shared between us, with tears flowing, it felt like part of me had died.

i was stuck in my room, with no where to go, no one to talk to. it was a definite case of

bad timing. i felt hopeless. i didn't even know what to do, what to think. it was like i could see

myself and everything that was going around me, but i couldn't actually feel myself moving.

i yelled at him the next morning. i yelled at him for the sake of my heart. to show him that he had hurt me bad. part of me just wanted to keep yelling and once i was done to never see him again, but then another part of me longed for his arms to hold me. to tell me everything was going to be okay. that it was all a bad dream.

i thought long and hard. i still don't know if i made the right decision. but i feel that after being together for so long, and going through so much, that i would be quitting if i didn't let him try to make it up to me and fix things. i can see he's trying already. he's trying really hard, and that makes me proud of him. but at the same time, theres still a part of me thats starting to rebuild that wall i had up before, which he had broken through last year. i still don't trust him, and it makes me uneasy being here at school, and him back home. god forbid i ever see her. i don't want to know what i will do. its between slapping her and bitching her out, or being the civil, more respectable person and walking right past her, without giving her the time of day. karma is a bitch though. hopefully she knows that.

and everything happens for a reason, like i've said countless times before. and there's been signs popping up all over at the most random times since i've spoken to him and let him know where i stand; they've all been positive ones so far. like finding his ring, a fortune cookie message, the meaning behind my res room number etc. i'm trying to make sense of it all still.

i guess we'll have to take it one day at a time.

i've promised myself to try and have as much hope and faith as possible.


Thursday, October 2, 2008

i knew it.
i fucking knew it.
always trust your gut.
all you've got in this world is yourself,
nobody knows you better then yourself.

my world just fell apart.